Lisa B. turns 12 today (June 18). OK, she’s actually 55.
But Lisa celebrates 12 years clean today, and I’m thrilled to mark the day with her telling her story. In part, that’s because she pays it forward: Lisa now works for an agency that helps teens with issues with drugs. Here’s her story:
Growing up, I was always an anxious kid. My parents had really high expectations.
But I came from a good home. We went to church, I shuffled around different private schools. I had all the opportunities kids had not to use drugs. At the same time, there was something in me.
The first time I remember ever feeling euphoric kind of high is 11 years old.
I had a bad stomach ache for days. Every night, it would double me over and one night, I woke up my mom and she gave me paregoric, a kind of opium, household old-time cough syrup. She gave me a tablespoon and all of a sudden, the lighting dimmed and I felt loved and not anxious for the first time in my life.
It was that high I always remembered and chased all my life.
I went to UT Knoxville in the late ‘70s and everybody was smoking weed, getting high and doing every kind of drug you can imagine. It was pretty much on.
I drank more than anybody else. I drank to get drunk. Eventually I discovered pain pills were better than drinking. There was no social stigma around taking one at 10 in the morning.
I got married to a pharmaceutical salesman before I left college and I believe he was an addict too. We moved to Chattanooga and it started a dark time. Cocaine, briefcases full of drugs, the whole deal. He eventually lost his job.
I came back to Nashville and cleaned up a little, by accident, just because I was away from it. Once again, I got involved with a man, and got pregnant with my son and I was five months pregnant and I wasn’t using. And I felt great, looked great, was thinking great.
And my mom got diagnosed with terminal cancer of the liver. Everything went to shit.
I remember standing in her hospital room the day she died and she waved goodbye to me, and the baby’s kicking, and she’s saying goodbye. It was awful. A month later, I had my son.
When they sent me home, they gave me five gazillion painkillers. The doctor said, I want you to feel OK. It was on after that. I would go on little drug vacations. I started working, put my kid in day care, but on the weekends, I’d blow it out with whatever I could get. I got really good at telling doctors I had migraines.
I think I was 28 and I realized one day that I took something every single day. I stayed clean for maybe a month. I hadn’t suffered any real consequences. That was one of six rehabs I went to. Every time got worse.
I bought a lot of drugs from one particular person in East Nashville. I always came in high heels. They were impressed. One day, I was offered Dilaudid. She told me I’d have to do it a different way. I thought, I’m just gonna do it this one time.
I didn’t feel anything for a second. Then all of a sudden it was like, this is what I’ve been missing all my life.
By 6 o’clock that night, I was back. That run ended up in the methadone clinic. I kept thinking, my son would be a lot better off if he didn’t have a mother like this. I did a lot of driving and crying.
I had been exposed to 12-step stuff, and I’m not religious, but I muttered a prayer, “God help me.”
Two days later, I just couldn’t get high and I had taken everything they had in Nashville. I got in the car and I rear ended someone on Edmondson Pike. And I remember these two officers with their arms crossed looking at me.
“What if you were driving and hit my family and killed somebody?” one officer asked. He let me call somebody.
That night, I went to Cumberland Heights again. I knew I wasn’t gonna live much longer if I kept using drugs. It was like, do I wanna live or do I wanna die?
Finally I decided I was gonna take a leap and just try getting clean one more time. It was second to second. I felt so horrible, I was so sick.
My dad had come to pick me up to get booked into jail. I can’t even remember why. The next thing I knew, I was in Arizona at another treatment center. Cumberland Heights recommended it.
I came back to Nashville and the people were still in the rooms when I had left five years before. And I was willing to do whatever they told me to do. I got really really involved in service work. I figured if I could be on every committee they had, I’d be that much cleaner.
It doesn’t really work that way, but I met so many people. I got a sponsor, worked steps, and it worked. I started working retail and eventually got a job in A&D (Alcohol & Drug) council.
And I started going to meetings every day. And I still go to meetings every day. That pink cloud? It’s never worn off on me.
The music came back on. I was brushing my teeth one day and I was back.
I feel like I’m superior to everyone else. Most people don’t sit in a room for an hour each day figuring out how they’re gonna be better people.
I recognize I have unconditional love. I got to the point where I really do believe that being an addict is a gift. I don’t regret the fact that I’m a recovering drug addict.
I think my life has a dimension that others don’t have.
My friend and I said it’s like going through a portal and coming out in an alternate reality. I’m so happy I took the trip.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Lisa, and happy birthday.
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