War stories from people in recovery can be stomach churning.
When we get together, invariably, the conversation turns to drinking and using drugs and other not-good past behaviors.
And then, the first-time stories come out.
“The first time I drank, I got drunk and puked all over my parents’ basement. All my friends left and my mom found me the next morning laying in vomit, and I got in SO MUCH TROUBLE.”
“The first time I got drunk, I was out and saw my ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend. I mouthed off, and the guy KICKED MY ASS.”
“The first time I smoked weed, I got super paranoid and I thought the police were outside. I FREAKED OUT and hid in the corner of my bedroom the rest of night.”
“The first time I snorted, my heart started beating so fast. I thought it was going TO EXPLODE. I was sweating like a pig and I was so scared.”
“The first time I shot up, I missed the vein, like, six times. I looked like a bloody pin cushion. It was SO GROSS.”
I was out with a bunch of friends the other night, and these kinds of stories were flying around. One of the guys was with his normie (non-addict) mom, and she got the weirdest and most pained looks on her face.
Finally, she said, “I don’t get it! Why, why if the first time was so awful, why in God’s name would you do it again?”
We all laughed.
Silly normie.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. That is a terrific question.
It makes no sense why anyone would voluntarily subject him or herself to puking, getting in a fight, freaking out or bleeding all over house furniture or car seats — unless you’re an addict or an alcoholic.
Then we know that there is something inside of us that drives us to do it again. It’s something chemical. Addiction, alcoholism are diseases, after all, and I’m not making that up. The American Medical Association says it’s so.
But how can a normie, a Muggle, if you will, relate? How can non-addicts know what that obsession (for drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, porn, food) and compulsion to get those things is like?
Hmmmm….. I’ll give it a try.
Ever go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and shovel it in until you’re uncomfortable? Until you’re actually sick?
I see you nodding. Ever go back to that buffet? I’ll bet ya have.
How about sex? That first time can be awkward, embarrassing, even painful, sometimes really traumatic.
Do we have sex again? Boy howdy, we do.
Take that feeling, that compulsion and, for an addict/alcoholic, multiply it by a whole bunch.
“An orgasm is a one, cocaine is a 100 in terms of what’s going on chemically,” says Samuel A. MacMaster, recovering alcoholic and social work professor at UT Nashville.
“There’s a click or a switch that happens for us (after that first hit), sometimes right away, sometimes not,” says Sam, who also co-owns a new young women’s treatment center, Voyage, in Murfreesboro.
“And it’s so much more powerful than any negative consequences.”
A chemical reaction. A disease. Like cancer. So it has nothing to do with environment, nothing to do with childhood trauma.
But lots of folks want to believe otherwise.
“Some say these are bad people doing bad things. They grew up in a bad home. Something happened when they grew up,” Sam says.
“And then we look at mice – same chemical reaction.”
There is hope.
Like diabetes, addicts can live with the disease, with daily treatment. Unlike diabetics, our treatment isn’t drugs, it’s spiritual medicine, 12-step meetings, recovery groups, therapy, service work and more.
But know this: Once we’ve had that first drink, that first drug, we probably won’t stop without help and treatment.
Please know this, too: We’re not bad people, we’re sick people.
And those of us in recovery are trying to get better.
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