I meet so many incredible people in recovery, and here’s another one, my friend Kirk Johnson, who has nearly five years sober. This is his story:
I was born the youngest of three boys in New Orleans, where drinking was a normal part of life.
Everything our family did socially had liquor involved. Anything we did that didn’t have liquor involved, my parents were annoyed.
My father was a great provider, flamboyant personality. And I loved my father.
When I was a little boy, he smelled like Kent cigarettes, J&B scotch and Old Spice after shave. And when they would have parties, and I was five or six, he would grab me and hug me and announce to the world that I was the aftermath of a drunken screw. “And I knew the night I made you!” he’d declare.
So inappropriate, yet I felt so loved – and I was really confused as to whether I belonged or not.
My two brothers were off to an alcoholic lifestyle early. They got in a lot of trouble and I was the good boy. I wanted to do everything they were doing, and I did, but I hid everything because I was the good boy.
Progressive alcoholic drinking since my teens simply stopped covering up what I was hiding from myself for years. I had contempt for myself and the world.
After almost 30 years of marriage, three children, successful career and lots of drinking, I just wanted to die. I had quit believing in who I thought I was and had no idea who I should be. I became passive.
My wife had called me a liar from time to time over the last 10 years of our marriage. I just didn’t care. Years of unresolved resentments were slowly killing us both. We were walking around a big fat elephant in every room of our house.
Finally, my youngest daughter was 18 and complaining about a problem. I offered her a solution that would have made my life easier in the moment.
She looked me square in the eye and said, “I’m not listening to another word you say. You are the biggest (expletive) phony I know.”
Something in my consciousness changed. I began to question my authenticity in all of my relationships. If my baby girl didn’t believe I was really there for her, why should anyone else?
My best friend had about 11 years clean at the time of my breakdown. He choose to remain in my life and tolerated my drinking, never mentioning that I might be an alcoholic. He loved me as he watched me swirling around the drain.
When I finally asked for help (not money or confirmation on who to blame next), he suggested I try a 12-step fellowship. I began going to a 7 a.m. meeting every day. Most everyone there was smiling and seemed reasonably happy. Their honesty about themselves was impressive and they encouraged me to keep coming back in spite of the delusional narratives I was sharing when I spoke.
I didn’t realize I was making a decision to be loved and accepted by the group simply because I had a desire to stop drinking. I’m not saying I liked everyone or everyone liked me. That’s still true today.
But I have come to believe that as a whole, the universe is friendly and it’s my choice to add to the creative process of life or take away. Or worse, do nothing.
We are always presented with an opportunity to help each other without expectation of anything in return. My sponsor says he was taught that those of us with low self-esteem should practice doing esteemable acts.
I told a sponsee that I loved him the first time I met with him. He said “I don’t deserve it. Are you gay? Because I really don’t get how you can say that.”
I smiled and said, “No I’m straight, but I don’t love you because you deserve it. I love you because I deserve love. Love keeps me sober. Hate gets me drunk. Indifference is death.”
Love is a decision which requires conscious contact to grow. The difference in me is I used to not care, but I thought I did. The difference in me is I’m learning to love. It’s a process which thrives in the Light.
There are two positions in my life that foster resentment or contempt. These are the roles of victim or predator. Spiritual principles are not present in these lowest levels of human consciousness.
Blame! Attack! Passive! Aggressive! Fear! Pride! Better Than! Less Than! Happy! Sad! Get me off this ride. I drink, I die or live in darkness.
There are two positions in my life that foster love and respect. These are the roles of Giver and Receiver. Spiritual principles are not only present but they are undeniable.
Acceptance- Kindness- Persistence- Patience- Faith- Humility- Harmony- Wisdom.-Serenity- Forgiveness- “I am grateful today.”
I am sober because I am supposed to be. I live in Light (except when I don’t).
I really welcome my feelings today, even if they’re not so comfortable. And I’m awake enough in order to be able to get to the exact nature of them. My feelings serve me instead of the other way around.
Part of the spiritual awakening is that my feelings don’t run the show now.
I’ve lost a lot from the material side. I’m divorced, which I never ever would’ve had the courage to do if I wasn’t sober.
It looks like a lot of loss, but in reality, I gave it all away. I’m free.
It’s a real life. Shame and guilt have been removed because I’m not regretting the past anymore. I’m feeling more useful; I have purpose.
When I go to meetings in jail, that’s joy, really. When I work with others in recovery, it’s pure happiness.
When I’m sober, I’m better.
Thanks so much, Kirk. And thank you for all the service work you do in Nashville. You’re not just living in the light; you ARE the light.
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