{"id":191,"date":"2014-06-12T15:04:28","date_gmt":"2014-06-12T15:04:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nashvillerecovers.org\/?p=93"},"modified":"2017-07-09T06:21:53","modified_gmt":"2017-07-09T06:21:53","slug":"we-recovering-folks-stink-at-accepting-compliments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/2014\/06\/12\/we-recovering-folks-stink-at-accepting-compliments\/","title":{"rendered":"We recovering folks STINK at accepting compliments"},"content":{"rendered":"

Tears stung my eyes and I felt my face flush.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBrad,\u201d one of my recovering brothers said, \u201cyou\u2019re a great guy with a great big heart. Your warmth fills the room when you walk in. We need you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I could barely breathe. I heard the words, found them moving, was grateful he felt that way. I even said, \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

But I immediately wanted to tell him why he was wrong, that I\u2019m really an asshole, always have been. I felt a flood of guilt and shame over past misdeeds \u2013 if he only knew me, really knew me, he wouldn\u2019t say such amazing things about me.<\/span><\/p>\n

On many days, especially in my earlier recovery, I\u2019d rather take a punch to the face than be praised.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sigh.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"struggling\"<\/span><\/a>We recovering addicts and alcoholics suck at taking compliments.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even people with long-term recovery have problems with accepting praise.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou get better at it,\u201d says Lisa Bell, who has 12 years clean, \u201cbut there\u2019s always that nagging voice that stigmatizes yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe voice says, \u2018Don\u2019t forget all that bad stuff you did, don\u2019t forget you\u2019re a bad mother, don\u2019t forget you\u2019re a piece of shit,\u2019\u201d Lisa says.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe voice isn\u2019t as loud as it was, it just gets quieter, but it\u2019s still there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

East Nashville\u2019s Bobby Kent, who has 24 years clean, agrees.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSelf doubt still rules. I think it\u2019s difficult to take a compliment. You must be talking to somebody else,\u201d Kent says.<\/span><\/p>\n

And that\u2019s a guy with nearly a quarter century clean!<\/span><\/p>\n

Imagine how hard it is for the newcomer to take a compliment.<\/span><\/p>\n

What happens is that, no matter how much recovery we have, some of that guilt and shame still exists. And the truth is, the bad things we\u2019ve done \u2013 stealing, lying, manipulating, prostituting, hurting \u2013 are all things that probably loom much larger in our\u00a0 heads than they do in other people\u2019s heads.<\/span><\/p>\n

Odder still, though we carry so much shame, we also crave attention.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s often said that addicts\/alcoholics are egomaniacs with inferiority complexes.<\/span><\/p>\n

And those two things don\u2019t really go together very well.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"12<\/span><\/a>\u201cWe crave attention and when we get the spotlight, we crawl back in our shells and say, don\u2019t look at me,\u2019\u201d says Cayce L. of Bellevue, who has five years sober.<\/span><\/p>\n

Last year, Cayce was the alumni of the year award at Cumberland Heights. Proud moment, right? Well\u2026.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat was so incredibly uncomfortable,\u201d she said. \u201cA compliment is like a reward that somehow I feel I don\u2019t deserve.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

So how can we get better at accepting these compliments and more important, accept and love ourselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

Step one, Cayce says, is following her sponsor\u2019s advice when she gets a compliment:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe told me to shut up and say thank you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

My sponsor told me something similar: Look the person in the eyes and only say, \u201cthank you.\u201d And then, try to really accept the compliment without internally arguing or deconstructing it or guessing at what the complimenter\u2019s motives might be.<\/span><\/p>\n

Step two for those of us in 12-step recovery: Go through the steps. Consider going to a therapist. Work on improving and loving ourselves as best we can.<\/span><\/p>\n

Self-love is the trickiest part to this whole recovery deal. And it starts, well, one step at a time.<\/span><\/p>\n

But first, just say, \u201cthank you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Tears stung my eyes and I felt my face flush. \u201cBrad,\u201d one of my recovering brothers said, \u201cyou\u2019re a great guy with a great big heart. Your warmth fills the room when you walk in. We need you.\u201d I could barely breathe. I heard the words, found them moving, was grateful he felt that way. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[3,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-191","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/191","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=191"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/191\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":223,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/191\/revisions\/223"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=191"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=191"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=191"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}