{"id":198,"date":"2014-08-06T21:27:30","date_gmt":"2014-08-06T21:27:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nashvillerecovers.org\/?p=112"},"modified":"2017-07-09T06:21:53","modified_gmt":"2017-07-09T06:21:53","slug":"they-said-what-in-the-meeting-sharing-really-personal-pain-works","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/2014\/08\/06\/they-said-what-in-the-meeting-sharing-really-personal-pain-works\/","title":{"rendered":"They said WHAT in the meeting? Sharing really personal pain works"},"content":{"rendered":"

Her share was breathtaking. As in, it actually took my breath away.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was at a training on eating disorders, and the facilitator asked us trainees \u2013 mostly recovery and health care professionals \u2014 \u00a0a random question as an ice breaker : What thoughts did you have this morning as you drove here?<\/span><\/p>\n

A few of us joked about the traffic or how hard it was to find the hotel where the training was. And then, one woman shared something different:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been dating this guy for a while, and we\u2019ve been spending most nights together. And here lately, for the last week or so, I wake every morning next to him, and I look at him, and I think to myself, \u2018I love this man so much. I really really love him.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019ve never told him that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Whoa. Wow!<\/span><\/p>\n

Isn\u2019t that so intense, so personal, so very revealing? So transparent and vulnerable?<\/span><\/p>\n

It rocked me, and not just because of her beautiful feelings for her man, and the sadness over her inability to express it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here was this woman sharing the most intimate secret of her personal life with a bunch of virtual strangers. And it was at 9 in the morning, the smell of coffee and lukewarm breakfast sandwiches in the air of a chain hotel conference room in Brentwood.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I used to share stuff like that, it was in a smoky bar at 2 a.m., words slurred and tears flowing.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s not the first time I\u2019ve heard unbelievably personal disclosures from people in and around recovery at meetings. In fact, I hear them all the time.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"pain\"<\/span><\/a>It\u2019s almost \u201cnormal\u201d \u2013 whatever that is \u2013 for people in recovery to share all sorts of really intense stuff: My uncle sexually assaulted me when I was a kid; my dad used to beat me; my second grade teacher called me fat and lazy; I feel unlovable and worthless; I cut myself again last night.<\/span><\/p>\n

In my early recovery, these were jarring revelations. Some recovering addicts are uncomfortable with that kind of vulnerability no matter how much time they have clean and sober. I know a guy who literally leaves the room when super-painful stuff is being shared.<\/span><\/p>\n

And I get that. It\u2019s just so raw and painful that sometimes, it\u2019s overwhelming. And, God forbid, it reminds me that I have had some trauma in the past that I\u2019d rather not remember.<\/span><\/p>\n

But here\u2019s what I\u2019ve come to learn since (and here comes a recovery clich\u00e9): Pain shared is pain lessened.<\/span><\/p>\n

And I learned that in a very personal way.<\/span><\/p>\n

In one of my first small group meetings in rehab, the guy next to me was sharing that his mom died of cancer when he was nine years old.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHold on,\u201d the counseling said gently, holding up his hand.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNow, Brad, your father died from cancer when you were just eight, right? I want you and Michael to get together and talk about what those losses were like for you. And then, I want you to come back to the group and report on that conversation.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNO!\u201d I shouted.<\/span><\/p>\n

Everyone jumped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI mean,\u201d I said, my face turning red, \u201cthat\u2019s f..kin\u2019 personal, isn\u2019t it??!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

There was a moment of silence before most of the guys started laughing softly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDude,\u201d one said, \u201cthat\u2019s the point.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Wait a minute. I came to rehab, and yeah, maybe I\u2019ll quit drinking.<\/span><\/p>\n

But getting into this painful childhood stuff? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Why are we ripping bandages off of really old wounds?<\/span><\/p>\n

Well, because that\u2019s how those wounds start to heal.<\/span><\/p>\n

The next day, Michael and I talked about losing our parents when we were just boys. And I sobbed and sobbed the entire way through it, even when Michael was talking.<\/span><\/p>\n

But the more times I talk about my dad dying when I was a boy, the less painful it is. I used to tear up and choke up every time my father might come up in conversation. Today, I can talk about it without doing either. Usually.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pain shared is pain lessened.<\/span><\/p>\n

So bravo to my fellow recovering alcoholics and addicts who share about personal pain in meetings. It\u2019s really brave.<\/span><\/p>\n

And more important, when you share that stuff, that makes it more comfortable and safe for me to share my painful stuff.<\/span><\/p>\n

And then, real healing begins.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Her share was breathtaking. As in, it actually took my breath away. I was at a training on eating disorders, and the facilitator asked us trainees \u2013 mostly recovery and health care professionals \u2014 \u00a0a random question as an ice breaker : What thoughts did you have this morning as you drove here? A few […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[3,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-198","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=198"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":216,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198\/revisions\/216"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=198"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=198"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nashvilleprevention.org\/nashville_recovers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=198"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}